My Suposed-to-be-Happy Day

I've always believed that couples need to be independent in their own decisions (and that they should respect each other's priorities). But I'm starting to doubt if this is working in favor of me. And heck! I'm not enjoying that kind of principle, when you start getting left behind. Happy to know he's heading to somewhere good, sad to know that there are things that need to be compromised.

And so maybe, things will work out just fine. The barkada are on their "Operation 21 Shots" for this stupid 21st birthday. And maybe, this birthday won't be that stupid anyway, with them.. Long live me!!!

Arnold, Harold, Manoy, Mark, Noli, Greggo, Eufy, Peejay... See ya tonight.......

Sudden Change

To date, it's only the third week of classes. I ain't really used to finding the guys carrying their backpacks at school. They used to roll some sheets and tuck those in their pockets or belts. Take down notes whenever they feel like it and later that month, I'd find those same sheets inserted in books at the apartment.

These are guys. What would one expect from a bunch of guys? They had been this way since I've known them. That's why it's a big shock to me to find them bringing along big backpacks with notebooks. They were writing down notes as if they'll be running out of words.

Today, we had 2 hours the most to wait for our next class. I dragged them to the library because I wanna do some surfing in the net. It's really weird to find them asking me for downloads of our lessons, to pass the quiz later that day. And they were taking down notes again....

They're really peculiar these past days. SIGH! Maybe because they really want to graduate..

Sudden change of skin.. But i think it would be for the better....

A BIG LIE

I don't know what's with him to fool me many times. Ever since we became friends, or best friends as a matter of fact, there are a lot of times he fooled me into believing some things - big or small - which aren't true. And I don't get the point why he has to do it - to fool me..

I've been trying to be a good friend and this is all I get for being loyal to the friendship we have. He doesn't seem to understand how a person gets disappointed after being fooled by someone who trusts him so much.

Maybe, I should have learned the lesson long before - and that is - not to believe a word from him. I'm tired of being fed up with lies. Tired of believing he would eventually learn to be a little bit more honest. Tired of making up an illusion that I know him more than anybody does. Tired of trying to make myself believe that he has that inate honesty and goodness that people can't see. Tired of defending him from the judgement of other people.

Maybe, he's a big liar after all. Have I been so blind? Is this the way how to treat a best friend? I wonder which of all we've spent together are truths or lies? Is he a big LIE in my LIFE????

Maybe I'll Be On My Own..

It was just last Sunday when we last saw each other to attend mass, and have dinner. We just meet once a week, lucky if twice. He's not the type of person who'll bombard me with "Hi,musta?" or "Ingats palagi.." or even "I love you" every hour of every day. There are even days that we can't talk. We both understand that he has to work morning till night, and lazy enough to fumble his phone just to send me messages every now and then. Maybe because I'm a busy person myself that I really understand this stuff. And we try to make up for it by having lunch or dinner dates once a week, or go to mass together. Maybe this is also the reason why I kept on missing him. I maybe a spoiled brat to demand a lunch date sometimes, but to my luck, he always gives in. Hahaha..

I expected that today will be just like the ordinary days we go to lunch together. Until he muttered the words I feared i'll hear from him. He said he was already interviewed for a job at Papua New Guinea, as a systems administrator. If his application will be approved, he'll be gone for a couple of years. And that would mean, he has to leave me behind here in the Philippines, expecting that I'll be patient enough to wait for him till he comes back.

It disappointed me really that he'll be gone for that long (if he'll be accepted). And I know he has great chances of being hired abroad. But it would compromise our time together. I cannot even stand not seeing him for days. How much more months and years of his absence? I do understand he has dreams for himself, and for me. And I don't have any right to stop him from doing what he wants. It's just that I don't know how I can take another two years of my life without him around. He won't be around for Christmas next year, even for my birthday, Valentines, and graduation. We are both waiting for the day of my graduation, when we could start putting up our dreams together. Does this mean I have to do it my own here without him?

I am happy for whatever he wants for himself. All I know was he's also making me a part of his life. The next thing that we're planning to do before he finally leaves (if approved) is to let both of our families know about us formally. I still don't know how we'll break the news to my parents. Maybe after everything's settled in my place. After that, I'll be on my own without him. SIGH!!!

Words Can Make It Mean Less

At 10pm last night, a message flashed in my phone. I'm kinda baffled by the question. "What is LOVE!" Whatta! How long have I not asked myself that question that I would need someone out of nowhere to remind me what actually love is. And he himself doesn't know what the answer is. The safest answer I can give him after a few minutes of reflection was "words can only make it mean less"

I don't know what the answer really is, except for the mere fact that everybody depends on LOVE. Its kinda mushy to be talking about this stuff - an overused topic actually, to be honest with it.

Dumbfounded by what it really means. I don't know. After falling in and out of relationships, I still don't have any solid grasp of what love is. Attempt to define LOVE in the context of science is very vague. How could you possibly explain it in terms of neurons? SIGH! Even the most brilliant minds cannot define it in the most accurate and preciste terms. What more from an average person.

Maybe because love came from the ONE Above. He is Absolute, cannot be comprehended by a bounded, limited mind of a mere person. And everything that came from HIM shares the same nature - Inexpicable, Absolute.

What I know about love is - sacrifice - putting his/her happiness before your own. To give without expecting. To put the best of you for the happiness of others. His/her happiness is yours too.

It is enduring. It is kind, not vulgar. It is believing in hope amidst vagaries. That is all I know about IT...

And maybe we can live with this as it is, and appreciate its nature of bringing hope and happiness to the hearts of many...

It is a gift that we should carefully accept, unwrap and keep..

Euphoria..

Euphoria..
The zenith of my happiness..
The daylight that continues to shine in darkness..

Euphoria..
A sweet sedative to an aching heart..
An inexplicable twist of fate..

Euphoria..
The joy amidst confusion..
The weakness, and the strength..

Euphoria..
My angel sent from nowhere..
Don't leave me..

Euphoria..
Make it last till eternity..
Now that I found you..

Writing..

I read the first story I wrote for the university folio which was just released yesterday. I didn't really write it for the sake of the folio. I was trying to feel what it was like to remember certain events in my past that i can put into writing, and keep it as a memorabilia of my life. Moving on? No doubt. I really am. And it pleases me to find it being read by many people.

I'm planning to make a series out of it. It feels like I'm being drawn to adulterate my pen and paper again.. hehehe..

Watch out for it...

keep posted...